TYPED UP ON JULY 28th, 2010
Okay I've been thinking about typing this up since last night when I was contemplating all of this. I didn't type it up because I turned my computer off and went to lie in my bed to think about this.
I don't like myself. I don't like the person I have become. Two years ago I would have love to be my own friend. I was funny, loyal, sarcastic, a good listener, clever and most importantly I was honest. That has all changed now. Now I would say I'm a cheater, a liar, a bad friend, a sneak, cruelly sarcastic and un-popular. Now I was never the most popular girl in school but I still had friends, people would say hi to me in the halls, I would always have someone to see on a weekend if I wanted to. Now I don't have any of that. All my friends are away but I know that they are receiving emails and not replying (hence the sneak, I tagged them with a Receipt of Reading thing so I would know) and when I got back from my trip one of them accidentally commented when I called to see if she wanted to hang out "Oh I hadn't realized you'd gone" then she told me she was leaving and we couldn't hang out. I’m ungrateful and I’m bratty. I’ve lost respect for myself and I’m not the student, daughter or friend that I want to be. My mother and father have been harder on me lately, yelling more and such but I’ve realized that it isn’t them being unnecessarily cruel, my behavior has been something I’m ashamed of and I don’t like the way that when I look back I regret at least half of the things that I have done.
All of this thinking started because of that fight I had with my friend a couple of weeks ago. We fought and eventually it escalated into her saying: "If I dropped dead right now you wouldn't give a shit. You wouldn't even cry." I remained silent for the first time in that argument and she stormed off. I posted that I was feeling physically ill and I was. It was a complete sucker punch to the stomach. After my friend died this summer I haven't stopped thinking about him for a moment. I feel like I mention him all the time but I realize It's almost only on live journal. I have yet to talk about him in real life and the only person I've actually talk about this with is Mya. None of my RL friends know (at least not from me) that he's gone. I can't actually say the words but I'm sure some of them know through their parents because my mom and dad seem to have no difficulties telling everyone they see. I realized from that fight that as much as I wanted to yell back I couldn't. I had nothing to say to her and no because I was angry but because I was worried she was right. I was internally distraught when he died but I don’t know how I would have reacted to the death of anyone else.
When he died my father called us just as we were about to pull into the train station to meet our friends. I went into PR barbie mode and pretended nothing had happened. That night I was sharing a room with my mother and I talked about everything I could think of except him. When she brought him up at the dinner table I stayed silent. I wasn't in denial that he was gone, that only happens in my dreams when I think he’s alive then I wake up and he’s gone. I know he's never coming back and I know that I'll need time to get over this. I also know that his death has changed me, as death does, but it has changed me for the better I hope. He has made me realize what is wrong with me. He's shown me that how I am is wrong.
That email I sent to him. The one that arrived the same minute he died. I should have sent it days before but I couldn't bring myself to write it and I wrote it too late. It's one of my biggest regrets.
And now even this post, that was supposed to be about me and what I am, has turned into one about him.
I loved him. I still love him. I've loved him since we were both 12 and before he was ever sick. I loved him when he and his brother ate 22 eggs for breakfast one day and we ran out. I loved him when he got sick. I loved him when he lay in intensive care for a year. He was my every wish for nearly five years. Every time someone told me to make a wish it was that he got better. Now that he's gone I'm out of wishes.
But back to why I'm typing this in the first place. I'm typing this all out because I need to get this out of me. I have dithered about whether to post this or not and I have decided I will. I need to purge myself.
So at the start I was talking about how much I don't like myself anymore and what not and I'm going back to that now. The person I've become is someone who two years ago I probably wouldn't have given the time of day. I'm hateful, I'm a cheater and I'm a slut. I don’t have real friends anymore and I don’t feel that right now I am capable of being in that kind of relationship and that is the most disturbing part of this to me. I have always claimed to have several best friends but I realize now that none of them live close to me, I rarely see them or even email them, when we talk I find a way to escape the conversation and though I would be there if they needed me I’m not sure that I would honestly care that much what their problem was. I want to be a different person and I also want to sit and think about why I turned out this way so it never happens again. I don't like this at all and honestly I feel like Tam. I want to send myself away to be alone for a while and to do peaceful things by myself.
WHICH IS WHY I HAVE COME TO THIS CONCLUSION: This month away for me will be what I need. I'm going to Belize to find myself again (even if this sounds like the tagline to eat, pray, love) and I'm going to do it alone. I have decided that this month I'm cutting myself off. I'm not going to get on the forum at all after Saturday and I won’t be checking my emails that often. I’m taking a break and I’m going to spend time with my friends out there who I know will mellow me out and turn me back to who I was and who I want to be. Now is the perfect time to change. I can be who I want in college and it’s a fresh start so I don’t have to keep this person I am, I can get rid of her and be who I want to be.
I know a lot of you haven’t liked that I haven’t been on much or really RPing at all recently and I get that I really do. I’ve just fallen out of sync with myself and my characters and I’m re-booting my life so don’t hold this against me.
Consider me gone as of this post. I have handed over all my passwords to my accounts (AWF, FB and LJ) and someone I trust is changing them all and has orders not to present me with them until my flight lands on August 28th. I also won’t be checking any email accounts except for my official college one. I really hope you guys aren’t mad at me for this and if you are then I apologize, that wasn’t my intention. I really need to do this for myself and I promise I will come back in September and I will be recharged and ready to go for 2.0.