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Tam/Draco/A Chauvinist Pig/A Feminist Slut
03 November 2010 @ 02:13 pm
 So this whole week has pretty much thrown me for a loop. I'm not ashamed of that because I think I can honestly say that it would throw anyone for a loop. Hopefully. My problem with all of this is how much I'm telling people and how much I'm unloading on others. The honest truth is that I've never had friends I trust this much, I've never had people I tell this much too and now I feel like I'm abusing this friendship and everyone I'm ranting to and crying to is just going to get sick of me and my moping. Hell I'm sick of me and my moping but I can't do anything about it.

To my RL friends I give oscar worthy performances to the point where everyone thinks I am just a little overworked and sleep deprived but you guys know better. 

I guess the point of this is to tell you all that (ONCE AGAIN) I am a rambly self centered only child and this post has nicely, and unintentionally, proven my point. So sorry loves. Sorry about taking all of your time and distracting you from the important things you had to do. 


p.s. I also have to say that I am remarkably impressed with myself and the front  I have put up both in RL and to a certain extent online to mask my mental collapse. Only now I wonder if everyone is using a cover like this and if everyone is a lying cheating bitch like I am...
Tam/Draco/A Chauvinist Pig/A Feminist Slut
14 September 2010 @ 11:05 pm
 If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

^ that was my friend's FB status today and it go me thinking so i'm posting this here so not everyone is stuck with another influx of my personal dramas and sadness again.

So my last post I made to this account was about leaving to find myself. I think I did. I'm now a happier better adjusted person and so far I've made friends in college with similar interests to mine and I'm doing pretty well in class. I'm not entirely sure if I have simply accepted myself or if I've actually changed but I like to think it's the latter. 

The most healing part of that month away was when my friend came to visit me. She's my oldest friend but although we'd always been close I had never thought that I would really go to her to talk about anything serious. One night she took away my phone and told me that I couldn't email people and that we were going to have pillow talk. Our conversation ranged from my personality issues to my parents and then to crying. I said that I had only cried twice that year and she asked me when. One of those times was when C had died. As I said his name my voice cracked and I buried my face in my pillow in shame. She came over and gave me a hug and reminded me that it's okay to cry. 

I honestly don't remember the last time someone told me that... that someone let me cry it out and truly feel something. I owe her a lot for that. 

In answer my friend's FB status if I could only make one phone call before I died my answer three months ago would have been to call him and tell him how I felt but I was obviously too chicken to ever do that. So now my answer is that I would dial a random number. Any number, and tell them this story so that I would be able to inspire someone to tell the person they love that they love them and to never be afraid to cry. 

It's something that I never understood before now that I really should have been told years ago. 

If I ever have to raise a child I will not teach them that crying is the answer to everything and I won't condone crying for the sake of it, that part of the way I am I think makes me a stronger person, but I will be sure to tell them that sometimes you need a good cry because otherwise you start to take emotions out on people.

That cry this summer lasted over an hour. It was full of blubbering and hugs and general support. I'll never forget it and it makes me wonder if the reason that I became the person I don't like was because I had truly started to repress all my emotions and had become desensitized to the world.

This may sound corny and cliche but I truly feel like now I can finally see the world in full colour now and I finally appreciate everything for what it is, not what I wish it was.

Now I don't know if this still makes sense because I'm not going to proof-read it. This is coming straight from me and I want to leave it as raw as I can.

All the best,
Tam/Draco/A Chauvinist Pig/A Feminist Slut
30 July 2010 @ 11:11 pm
TYPED UP ON JULY 28th, 2010

Okay I've been thinking about typing this up since last night when I was contemplating all of this. I didn't type it up because I turned my computer off and went to lie in my bed to think about this.

I don't like myself. I don't like the person I have become. Two years ago I would have love to be my own friend. I was funny, loyal, sarcastic, a good listener, clever and most importantly I was honest. That has all changed now. Now I would say I'm a cheater, a liar, a bad friend, a sneak, cruelly sarcastic and un-popular. Now I was never the most popular girl in school but I still had friends, people would say hi to me in the halls, I would always have someone to see on a weekend if I wanted to. Now I don't have any of that. All my friends are away but I know that they are receiving emails and not replying (hence the sneak, I tagged them with a Receipt of Reading thing so I would know) and when I got back from my trip one of them accidentally commented when I called to see if she wanted to hang out "Oh I hadn't realized you'd gone" then she told me she was leaving and we couldn't hang out. I’m ungrateful and I’m bratty. I’ve lost respect for myself and I’m not the student, daughter or friend that I want to be. My mother and father have been harder on me lately, yelling more and such but I’ve realized that it isn’t them being unnecessarily cruel, my behavior has been something I’m ashamed of and I don’t like the way that when I look back I regret at least half of the things that I have done.

All of this thinking started because of that fight I had with my friend a couple of weeks ago. We fought and eventually it escalated into her saying: "If I dropped dead right now you wouldn't give a shit. You wouldn't even cry." I remained silent for the first time in that argument and she stormed off. I posted that I was feeling physically ill and I was. It was a complete sucker punch to the stomach. After my friend died this summer I haven't stopped thinking about him for a moment. I feel like I mention him all the time but I realize It's almost only on live journal. I have yet to talk about him in real life and the only person I've actually talk about this with is Mya. None of my RL friends know (at least not from me) that he's gone. I can't actually say the words but I'm sure some of them know through their parents because my mom and dad seem to have no difficulties telling everyone they see. I realized from that fight that as much as I wanted to yell back I couldn't. I had nothing to say to her and no because I was angry but because I was worried she was right. I was internally distraught when he died but I don’t know how I would have reacted to the death of anyone else.

When he died my father called us just as we were about to pull into the train station to meet our friends. I went into PR barbie mode and pretended nothing had happened. That night I was sharing a room with my mother and I talked about everything I could think of except him. When she brought him up at the dinner table I stayed silent. I wasn't in denial that he was gone, that only happens in my dreams when I think he’s alive then I wake up and he’s gone. I know he's never coming back and I know that I'll need time to get over this. I also know that his death has changed me, as death does, but it has changed me for the better I hope. He has made me realize what is wrong with me. He's shown me that how I am is wrong.

That email I sent to him. The one that arrived the same minute he died. I should have sent it days before but I couldn't bring myself to write it and I wrote it too late. It's one of my biggest regrets.

And now even this post, that was supposed to be about me and what I am, has turned into one about him.

I loved him. I still love him. I've loved him since we were both 12 and before he was ever sick. I loved him when he and his brother ate 22 eggs for breakfast one day and we ran out. I loved him when he got sick. I loved him when he lay in intensive care for a year. He was my every wish for nearly five years. Every time someone told me to make a wish it was that he got better. Now that he's gone I'm out of wishes.

But back to why I'm typing this in the first place. I'm typing this all out because I need to get this out of me. I have dithered about whether to post this or not and I have decided I will. I need to purge myself.

So at the start I was talking about how much I don't like myself anymore and what not and I'm going back to that now. The person I've become is someone who two years ago I probably wouldn't have given the time of day. I'm hateful, I'm a cheater and I'm a slut. I don’t have real friends anymore and I don’t feel that right now I am capable of being in that kind of relationship and that is the most disturbing part of this to me. I have always claimed to have several best friends but I realize now that none of them live close to me, I rarely see them or even email them, when we talk I find a way to escape the conversation and though I would be there if they needed me I’m not sure that I would honestly care that much what their problem was. I want to be a different person and I also want to sit and think about why I turned out this way so it never happens again. I don't like this at all and honestly I feel like Tam. I want to send myself away to be alone for a while and to do peaceful things by myself.

WHICH IS WHY I HAVE COME TO THIS CONCLUSION: This month away for me will be what I need. I'm going to Belize to find myself again (even if this sounds like the tagline to eat, pray, love) and I'm going to do it alone. I have decided that this month I'm cutting myself off. I'm not going to get on the forum at all after Saturday and I won’t be checking my emails that often. I’m taking a break and I’m going to spend time with my friends out there who I know will mellow me out and turn me back to who I was and who I want to be. Now is the perfect time to change. I can be who I want in college and it’s a fresh start so I don’t have to keep this person I am, I can get rid of her and be who I want to be.

I know a lot of you haven’t liked that I haven’t been on much or really RPing at all recently and I get that I really do. I’ve just fallen out of sync with myself and my characters and I’m re-booting my life so don’t hold this against me.

Consider me gone as of this post. I have handed over all my passwords to my accounts (AWF, FB and LJ) and someone I trust is changing them all and has orders not to present me with them until my flight lands on August 28th. I also won’t be checking any email accounts except for my official college one. I really hope you guys aren’t mad at me for this and if you are then I apologize, that wasn’t my intention. I really need to do this for myself and I promise I will come back in September and I will be recharged and ready to go for 2.0.
Tam/Draco/A Chauvinist Pig/A Feminist Slut
30 July 2010 @ 12:32 pm
Have you ever secretly loved someone you shouldn't have? If so, did you confess your feelings? Any regrets either way?

Well not quite love and yes he knew and no I have no regrets.

p.s. sorry friends for doing every single one of these... they amuse me
Tam/Draco/A Chauvinist Pig/A Feminist Slut
30 July 2010 @ 12:06 pm
Have you ever had a near-death experience? How close have you come to dying?

Well actually when I had surgery they lowered my blood pressure and a couple of times my heart monitors went off cause my heart was dropping rapidly to as low as 5 beats per minute then soaring up to over a hundred....

So I almost died two or three times that night....
Tam/Draco/A Chauvinist Pig/A Feminist Slut
28 July 2010 @ 08:43 pm
What's your most memorable "that's my family" moment?

Really? Most moments with my family are like that. 

Quite possibly thought my best family moment was when i was on a skype call and my dad bought home those shoes.

You all know the ones.

Yeah that was a win. And it was TOTALLY my family.
Tam/Draco/A Chauvinist Pig/A Feminist Slut
28 July 2010 @ 10:47 am
Do you wish you had grown up in another time and/or place? if so, when, where, and why?

Yes. Either in the 1200s-1300s or in Tudor England. 

I still don't know why but I'm completely obsessed with them. 
Tam/Draco/A Chauvinist Pig/A Feminist Slut
27 July 2010 @ 04:03 pm
What would you do with an army of minions who would do whatever you tell them?

Well my primary goal would be world domination but I'd be sure to have them make sammiches along the way. After all you can't be evil on an empty stomach!
Tam/Draco/A Chauvinist Pig/A Feminist Slut
27 July 2010 @ 12:42 pm
If you could become one person--alive,dead or fictional--for one month, who would it be, and why?

Holy Crap.

Well actually. To be completely honest. I have a list.

1. Richard III
2. Henry VIII
3. Lucrezia Borgia
4. Diane de Poitiers
5. Catherine de Medici
6. Draco Malfoy
7. Artemis Fowl
8. Cleopatra
9. Edward Longshanks
10. Eleanor of Aquitaine

So yeah. Any of those would be awesome. Really really really fantastic.
Tam/Draco/A Chauvinist Pig/A Feminist Slut
27 July 2010 @ 12:21 pm
Has technology and the Internet given you more or less free time? What's the biggest change? If your phone could make video calls, would you use that feature? Why or why not?

Well I spend my free time on the internet. And my iPhone4 does do video calls. And I have used it. So that has sorta defeated the purpose of this question.